Monday, August 20, 2007

the looming doping scandal

I saw this on SNL a few years ago:

Jimmy Tango's Fat Busters
I lost 155 pounds in less than three weeks! How did I lose all that gross fat? By combining the miracle of technology with ordinary street junkies! Producing this: Jimmy Tango's Fat Busters! It's this simple: wear my patented vibrating heat-bead suit, then jam an unbelievable amount of pure, raw crystal meth into your system! You might ask, "Isn't crystal meth illegal?" You bet! But my scientist, Dr. Cody, spends his days in a tin shed deep inside a small canyon outside San Bernadino, constantly altering the scientific formula of a bathtub crank that keeps us one step ahead the law, and keeps you one step ahead of the fat farm! Fatties, here's my promise: wear my vibrating heat beads, while blasting down handfuls of crrystal meth, and you'll drop weight so fast you'll lose your mind!

I know we're all fiercely competitive losers, but let's not forget that in this competition there are rules. Rules that are not meant to be broken. Let's not soil this competition with ugly rumors about using unapproved FDA dietary supplements.

We want lean, fit bodies -- but not covered in open sores, walking slack-jawed into the sun with loose or missing teeth.

So I beg you, hear me: Avoid the siren call of crack-cocaine use, avoid that cheap meth you can find so easily in Washington. It's not fair to the other competitors who just use a cocktail of black market ephedrine.

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